


I love you, you're right.

by greasersam



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cheating, F/M, M/M, Smoking, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 03:05:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greasersam/pseuds/greasersam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1999; Manhattan, New York.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

**September 22nd, 8:47 PM**

**  
**"It’s passed your bed time," Jared sighed. Tommy only continued to wrap himself in the over-sized coat he’d gotten two weeks ago. "You’re not coming to the store with me, end of story."

"Daddy, I need peaches, or I’ll have nightmares." the six year old pouted. Jared sat up and wiped the hair out of his eyes. He stared at the hazel-eyed boy and shook his head, wondering how the kid got so clever in the first place. He pulled Tommy to him and buttoned up his coat. He tied his shoes and kissed his forehead before putting a beanie over it. He got up and wrapped himself in his own coat. They left their loft, and the car ride wasn’t long…for New York, anyways. As soon as they found a parking space, Tommy got himself out of his seat and ran to a man in the parking lot as Jared got a cart. 

"That’s a cute kid," he smiled when Jared walked up. Jared nodded with a half smile and put Tommy into the cart.

"I'm  _not_ a kid!" Tommy protested and crossed his short arms. Jared laughed.

"Is he yours?" the man asked when he looked up at Jared.

Jared nodded. “Yeah, my son. Who refuses to go to bed without peaches.”

The man laughed. “That’s a pretty good reason to deprive yourself of sleep, I guess.” he then stuck his hand out. “I’m Jensen, um, Ackles.”

Jared glanced at his hand and then took it in his own. “Jensen, um, Ackles, huh? Whoever named you must've been real nervous." Jared said when they finally let go. "Jared Padalecki. And that’s Tommy.”

"Nice to meet you two. So uh, I take it you live around here?" Jensen asked, trying not to come off creepy. He bit his lip and searched Jared’s face for a reaction. Jared only smiled.

"Yeah, about a mile and a half from here."

"So you know your way around? Look, I don’t mean to come off too strong or anything, but do you think you could show me around here? I mean like not _all_ of New York or anything, but just the stores and shops, and you know, the necessities- I just moved here from California and- actually, you know what? This is weird, I’m sorry. You probably got a girl waiting at home, you have a kid- you probably don’t have time," Jensen ran a hand over his mouth, ready to get turned down. He glanced up at Jared who was smiling widely. 

"Coming off too strong? Yeah, sure. But you’ll need that if you’re gonna live around here." he smiled. "I can show you around. I mean, only if we’re gonna call it a date." Jared almost choked on his words, he didn’t flirt with guys.  _Ever._ He chuckled at Jensen’s face, which suddenly lit up. 

"Then it’s a date," he smiled sheepishly.

"Daddy, it’s going on 9," Tommy tugged on Jared’s shirt. 

“ _Shit,_ okay. Look, we gotta go. You got a number I can reach you at?”

Jensen nodded as they pulled out their phones. “It’s, uh, 212-555-7609.” 

"Okay, Jensen. I’ll call you?" Jared smiled. Jensen nodded. Jared and Tommy rushed into the store for peaches and when they come back out, they find Jensen. "Wh-what are you still doing here?"

Jensen shrugged and threw his cigarette down. “I work here- I'm not _that_ much of a creep.” he gave a laugh.

Jared nodded and laughed. “Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I gotta get out of here. Gotta be somewhere at 10.”

"10?" Jensen asked unwillingly. He loses his filter when he’s nervous.

Jared chuckled. “Uh, yeah. I work at the radio station, downtown. You ever listen to 102.KV?” Jensen shook his head no. “Yeah, I'm the radio presenter- or whatever, on that station. From 10 to 1. Pays good.” he smiles.

Jensen smiled. “You work at a radio station? Man, I’d kill for something like that. I should let you to it, then- I-” Jensen looked down, feeling embarrassed. He was a very insecure and shy person and he hated it.

Jared noticed Jensen and decided to speak up. "Okay, yeah. I’ll see you?" He swooped Tommy into his arm and they raced home. 9:46 by the time they got into their loft. He knocked on Julie’s door and she answered as if she was waiting for him. "Okay, Tommy’s in bed. He’s had his peaches, so yeah. Usual drill. I’ll see you, thanks." he gave her a soft peck on the cheek, which was kind of weird for him. They’d dated a couple months before that. She thought it was great, and even told him she loved him. But he decided it was best that they stay friends. 

"Jared, hey." she tugged him back to her. "You okay? You look a little stressed. Slow it down a little, okay?"

He nodded and took a deep breathe. He smiled at her and went into the elevator. He got there just before ten. He waited as the other deejay signed off the air and was greeted with a cup of hot chocolate by his assistant, Matt. “Well, the cold just nipped at your pretty, pretty cheeks all day, didn’t it?” he teased. 

He rolled his eyes and sat in the seat at the booth, put on the earphones and smirked when the clock struck ten.

**"Good evening, New York. You’re listening to 102.KV with Jared Padalecki, and if you come here often you know I'm the best. Tonight, I'll bring you the hottest songs of the week, though I’d rather take some requests from those classic rock fans I know are listening. And besides that, I don't have any topics tonight, so if you're interested in one you want to talk about, call in. You know the number, so give me a ring. For now, here’s _Slide_ by the Goo Goo Dolls.**”

Meanwhile, Jensen had just slid into his car and tuned in and he almost changed it when he heard the song but decided not to when he finally heard Jared's voice come back. He chuckled a little, feeling like he was in the car with him. And he couldn't deny that he liked Jared and hoped he did too.

**"Y'all actually like that song?"** Jared laughed.  **"Alright, so far, I've only gotten one topic to talk about. Drunk driving. And this is going to be tough for me to talk about. Because, um, my girlfriend died 5 years ago in a car accident. She was drunk driving and she killed another guy and his wife and-"** he paused and looked down because tears were filling his eyes. Matt looked up and quickly took over. Jared pulled the headphones off and walked outside for a cigarette. Jensen heard another man start speaking and turned off the radio and suddenly he felt bad for saying Jared probably had a girl waiting at home for him. He drove home and quickly fell asleep, trying to make himsef avoid thinking about that topic.

* * *

**SEPTEMBER 23RD 1:23 AM**  

Jared said goodnight to Matt and left for home. Traffic wasn't too bad, made it home twenty before 2. He unlocked the door and stepped inside the warmth of his apartment. He closed the door and hung his jacket on the coat hanger. He made his way to the table and set his keys down gently, seeing as Julie was asleep on the couch. He walked over and shook her shoulder gently, letting a small "Julie," leave his lips. And it was enough to awake her. She sat up, giving a tired smile to Jared. She rubbed a hand over her mouth and got up.

"I didn't know I was so tired," she laughed softly.

"Thanks, again. Goodnight, Julie." he looked down, not wanting something more than a "goodnight" to happen. She sighed, knowing Jared's play. She brushed a hand across his as she went out the door, not looking back. He closed the door behind her and walked to Tommy's room. He stood at the door frame, watching his son sleep so peacefully. And finally, he walked into his room, being thankful for the warmth when he stripped out of everything but briefs. He crawled into bed and rested his head against the pillow. The chill of the pillow kissed his neck as he rest upon it. And he thought about his life, because that usually happens at night. And he thought about Julie. About dating. About Tommy. And everything made his heart feel heavy. He thought he'd disappoint Tommy like his mom had said. But Tommy, in general, made everything feel a little bit better, a little bit brighter. And then he thought about Jensen, and the ease he felt was enough to convince him to see him again. And he went to sleep, a smile upon his face, his heart lighter, his body warm, and his pillow cold. And it truly was the "goodnight" he'd hoped for. 

**SEPTEMBER 23RD 8:59 AM**  

Jared awoke, hearing the tv in the front room click on. He sat up, resting his hands on the sides of his neck. He moved his head side to side, letting his bones crack. He got up and walked to the couch, letting himself plop down next to Tommy. “Are you gonna call the man?” he looked up with big eyes. Jared was almost shocked, but not quite. It was too early to even know what he was talking about. So he rubbed his eyes and sat up straight.

"What guy?" he finally asked when he woke himself up enough. When Tommy was just about to answer, there was a knock on their door. Jared got up and walked to the door. Then he opened it to Misha. "What the fuck are you doing up so early? Your shift isn't until 5," he gave a confused look. 

Misha looked up and down at Jared and bit the inside of his lip to keep himself from laughing. "I came over to check if you had morning wood," he said, walking inside. "And I have enough to repopulate a forest." Jared scowled and closed the door behind him. He walked to his room and put on sweats, thankful Tommy hadn't seen... well, _that,_  before so, or heard them, for that matter. Misha sat next to Tommy and poked his ribs. "Hey man, you're growing up pretty fast. You were, like, 6 the last time I seen you and now you're old enough to drink," he sighed happily. The little boy squirmed away from Misha onto his Dad's lap and continued to watch his show. "I see how it is," he stuck his tongue out. 

"You're a friggin child, Misha. What are you here for?" he asked again. Misha rolled his eyes and turned on the couch into a position where he was looking at Jared.

"Me and Rachel- it's- it's a long story." He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Jared hadn't assumed anything when he seen Misha's red eyes, but he realized he'd been crying. Misha looked down, as if embarassed. Jared bit his lip and moved Tommy aside, standing up. 

"C'mon, we can talk outside," he said. Misha stood up and went onto the balcony. Jared took away anything that Tommy could choke on and joined Misha outside. "So, I mean, this happens pretty often. But never to the point where you'd actually come and visit me." Misha had been his best friend since he was in college and they clicked instantly when they met. They were inseparable. They told each other everything and they'd lived together before Tommy was born. Misha wasn't a serious guy, so seeing him like this really upsetted Jared. He waited until Misha could talk without crying before asking anything else. "So is it..over?" Jared gulped. Misha and Rachel had been together for years now, off and on, but it never got this bad. Not that he knew of, anyways. 

Misha exhaled sharply. "This morning, five-fucking-thirty in the morning, she gets home. And I knew she was going to a friend's party which was over at 12 because I called, and she waddles in, drunk as fuck," he lights a cigarette as he pauses, inhaling and exhaling. "So, I turn on the light and she rolls her eyes at me and her pants are... idunno, _weird?_  And I lose it..." he trials off, looking up at the cloud-filled sky. Jared looked up as well, realizing only then how cold it was. And he was only in sweats. But before he could go change, Misha starts again.

"I started breaking shit, and I called her some names and she called me some names and I ask her if she had sex with someone else, and get this, she fucking slaps me. Right across my face." He sounds as shocked to say it as Jared is to hear it. They never actually fought. Not like that. "So we go at it again, I'm calling her a bitch and she's calling me a paranoid bastard and, you know, by this time, neighbors are banging at the door and finally it's seven and she's sobered up by this point and she's crying and telling me she loves me and that she didn't do anything, she only got a little wasted," he inhales and finishes the sentence with a stiffened voice. "And so I say to get herself together and that I'd be back, and I left." he exhales. "And somehow, I made it here." he relaxes a little bit more and Jared's pretty much in shock with the news he's just gotten.

"Are you going to break up with her?" he asks as he takes a drag of Misha's lit cigarette. Misha shrugs as he lights another. 

"...nah," he finally says, stepping on the cigarette. He shakes his head and looks to Jared and lets out a small laugh. "Why the fuck are you always half naked? You're gonna freeze to death." they both laugh and go inside to find Tommy still tuned into his show. They sit at the table and get coffee, exchanging stories about work and life when Jared finally decides to tell him about Jensen. 

"So... I met this guy," Jared tries to hold in a grin, but fails miserably.

Misha looked up and put his cup down. "Yeah, so?" he asked, unamused. 

"...and I kind of flirted with him- and before you make any gay jokes or any shit like that, I'm- I'm not gay. But,  _fuck_ , _I don't know_ \- I like him. And I'm not attracted to any other guys, I know that for a fact but him- idunno. And I barely fucking met him. And I asked for his number because I had to work then. 'Cause he asked me to show him the 'necessities' of Manhattan or whatever, because he moved here from California and I called it a date and now I'm supposed to call him, and-"

"Then call him," Misha says nonchalantly. Jared shakes his head.

"No way, idunno if it's a good idea to bring anyone around right now." he wets his lips.

Misha nods his head slowly and grabs Jared's phone from the table. "FIne, then I will." Jared laughs sarcastically and goes back to drinking his coffee. "I'll take that as a yes." Misha dashes to Jared's room and locks himself in. Jared tries to get in, and listens at the door miserably. "Hi, is this Jensen? Yeah, this is Jared Padalecki's assistant," Jared listens in horror. "Uh huh, yeah. Look, before Jared left he asked me if I could call you to set something up. He went on and on about you, so I figure you're something of a big deal to my best fr- my boss. Oh, actually, I think I hear him now. Please hold." Misha slowly unlocked the door, letting Jared fall in. He pushed the phone to Jared's ear, forcing him to talk. 

"Hi, Jensen, um-" Jared spoke quickly, trying to make Misha stop laughing.

"My middle name isn't actually um, you know." Jensen said, amused. Jared laughed and shoved Misha out of the room and closing the door behind him.

"That wasn't actually my assistant, it was my friend, Misha, and he's kind of impulsive so he decided he'd make me call you, to set something up, and so he called and here we are," he tightly shut his eyes, realizing how nervous he sounded.

"Oh he.. forced you? Look, Jared, you don't have to do anything with me if you don't want to. Just, you know, say so." Jensen sighed, feeling a bit hurt. 

"What? No, I want to. _I want to_. I was going to call, but you're really handsome and you make me nervous- I'm  _never_ nervous, Jen, seriously." Jared almost choked on his words as he realized what was coming out.

Jensen let a smirk peel itself across his lips. "Jen, huh?" he gave a small laugh.

"I'm sor-"

"Don't be. No one's ever called me that before- I like it." 

Jared smiled and nodded for a while before he realized Jensen couldn't see him. "So," he said, relaxing a bit. "Let's talk about that date."

Jensen smiled coyly over the phone and sat up on his couch. "Look, I gotta ask- are you gay?" Jensen was actually kind of surprised that he was able to ask, but everything felt a little bit easier with Jared- for being a stranger, and all. 

Jared let out a laugh, he wasn't gay but- "It's kind of a funny story,"

"I've got some time."

Jared felt so tranquilized by this. By Jensen actually wanting to know about him. "Well..."

* * *

**OCTOBER 2ND 8:32 PM**

**  
**"Stop laughing, I told you that, like, a week and a half ago!" Jared pleaded.

"I'm sorr-ha-ha-hry!" Jensen barely managed to get out.

"It's honestly not even funny. You have the absolute worse sense of humor." Jared shoved him a little as they took a seat in a booth for two. It was warm and nice and good. They'd been out all day, going around in the cold and  _"Sight seeing.",_ Jared called it, and this was their first time resting. Jensen insisted they take his car, but Jared protested that the best way to figure out New York was walking it. And that's what they did. 

"C'mon, you're  _not_ gay, but you like me. Does that even make sense?"

"Well, idunno, it did at first..." Jared looked outside of the window of the little diner. "I'm just not  _attracted_ to any guys. Like, at all. But you-  _you._ "

Jensen smiled like an idiot only because Jared couldn't see him. They'd talked every day since Wednesday. And they talked about this- their first date, and they automatically clicked since that first morning. They'd call each other every time they got the chance and they'd talk for hours at a time, and it's not like they hadn't talked before this, their first time meeting  _was_ face-to-face, but seeing each other and hearing each other in front of one another gave a feeling to both of them that they couldn't describe. "Hey, you too." he nudged his ankle with his foot, making Jared turn back to face him as a waitress walked up.

"What can I get you boys tonight?" she took out a pen and a small pad of paper.

"Mmmm... just let me have a cup of hot chocolate. Extra whipped cream," Jared smiled up at her as he gave the menu back.

"Make that two. Normal amount of whipped cream for me, though." Jensen smirked as she walked away.

"You don't like hot chocolate," Jared folded his arms.

"Nah, I've just never tried it. So, better time than any for a first with you." Jensen played with a sugar packet, and that was it. Jared was totally and completely in lo- " _in like",_ Jared reassured himself,with Jensen.

"If it helps any, this is my first time being out this year. So, first times together are good. They should be. This is our first date, and it's already good-" Jared abruptly stopped, realizing he'd lost his filter. 

Jensen had watched Jared become rosy in the cheeks and decided to try and make him feel a little better. "Look, I lose my filter too. Especially when I'm nervous around cute guys, and trust me, I don't become this nervous- ever. So it's okay that you lost your filter, and-" Jensen pulled back, mentally kicking himself. 

Jared laughed loudly, making at least two people look around at him. "So we're both nervous, and that's okay, right? First dates come with nervousness." he shrugged as the waitress set down their mugs.

"Let me know if you need anything else," she smiled as she walked back behind the booth.

"First dates also come with telling each other about ourselves," Jensen smiled. "But considering we already got to know each other over the phone, I don't think that's necessary." Jared took a sip of his hot chocolate, resulting in getting whipped cream all over his upper lip.  _"Could this date get any more friggin cliche?"_ Jensen asked himself. 

"You make a good point, Ackles." Jared tried to come off firm, but ending up looking ridiculously adorable with whipped cream all over him. Jensen couldn't help but giggle. "What?"

"You have- you, uh-" Jensen said, getting up from his side of the booth. He grabbed a napkin, mind set on wiping Jared's mouth with it, but instead he ending up leaning down and kissing Jared, removing the whipped cream from his mouth. And then he pulled back. "Damn, hot chocolate really is good." he said, sitting back down in shock. And then he looked up at Jared, who had his fingers on his lips.

"Uh huh," was all he managed to get out, still touching his lips from the vibrant feeling of the kiss. They finished their drinks silently and left, leaving a nice tip at the table. 

"You want me to walk you home? We can even say goodnight at your doorstep if you want," Jensen teased, but Jared didn't look up. Jensen sighed. "Look, I didn't know I was going to kiss you, you just looked so adorable and _god_ - Jared, I like you _._  And yeah, this is our first date, but we've talked everyday since Wednesday and it's been good and it feels easy with you, which I'm not used to. And I already feel like I know you, and I thought you liked me too- and it's okay if you don't. But,I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything- I'm sorry."

Jared stopped as they turned around the corner. He leaned against the wall and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it. Inhale. Exhale. "Jensen." he looked up. "I like you, too. You didn't make me uncomfortable, but  _fuck_. I've never felt this way before. You make me feel all tingly and stupid and I smile like an idiot when I'm on the phone with you and you listen to me on the radio and shit, Jen-  _I like you._ " he ran his free hand through his hair and slid his back down the wall and let himself sit on the cold pavement. And Jensen sat down next to him and stole his cigarette, taking a drag. And for a while, they sat there, not talking. They watched the endless line of cars go by, listening to the tires go across the asphalt, splashing into the left over water. And the streetlight flickered once, but they hardly even paid attention. And it was quietly loud with a couple fighting in the building they were sitting against and the cars going by and some bell on a door ringing over and over as customers went in and out of it on the next block over. 

"And so tell me, what's so bad about all that?" Jensen finally asked. 

"For the first time ever,  _nothing._ " Jared pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them.

"Hey," Jensen pulled Jared's face to his and gave him a kiss on the nose. Because it felt  _so easy._ It felt  _right._ Like they'd been together for _so long_. "We'll take this one step at a time, okay?" 

Jared nodded and stood up, pulling Jensen with him. "Walk me home?" Jared ran a hand over his rosy cheeks. Jensen nudged him so that their shoulders hit gently, and they walked the rest of the way to Jared's house. "You gonna be okay?" he looked down at Jensen with concerned eyes. Jensen nodded. "Call me as soon as you get home then." and they parted. 


	2. Chapter 2

 

* * *

**OCTOBER 12TH 12:07 PM**

**  
**"We're late, Tommy. Hurry up!" Jared paced back and forth, waiting for his stubborn son to finish tying his shoes. Jared was taking Tommy to lunch with him so that he could finally meet Jensen. He wasn't sure about it, but Misha reassured him.

"It's not my fault I had to teach myself," Tommy said, walking up. 

"I tried to teach you, you slapped my hands away every time!" he picked him up as they walked out the door. Tommy grinned at the memory. The restaurant was close so they walked. It only took seven minutes, so no one had gotten frost bite.

When they arrived, Jensen was already sitting in a booth, drinking something that looked a lot like hot chocolate. Jared smiled looking in from outside. They walked into the warmth and Jensen gulped when he seen Tommy. It's not like they hadn't met before- but this time was different. He and Jared weren't strangers anymore. They were- ... _more?_ "Uh," Jensen said, walking over to them. "Hi, do you remember me?" he crouched down near Tommy. Tommy smiled.

"You're the man my daddy talks about. The one from the store." he said, now climbing into the side of the booth Jensen was sitting in. Jared met Jenses's gaze and smiled. They sat down and ordered slices of pumpkin pie and hot chocolate. "I don't like hot chocolate." Tommy complained. Jensen snickered.

"It tastes like chocolate milk, just warm," Jensen shrugged. Jared rolled his eyes, amused. "So, what are your plans for today?" he looked at Jared's green eyes... which were blue when they first walked in. 

"I actually wanted to go to that amusement park, um, the one downtown." Jared took a sip of his hot chocolate. 

"It's like, 50 degrees outside, are you kidding?" Jensen gave a shocked smile. Jared shrugged and laughed.

"I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to come with us, but obviously you're not good with the cold." Jared bit his lip to stop himself from laughing. Jensen folded his arms and Tommy cracked up. Jared eventually smirked and met Jensen's green eyes.

"I'll go- If I'm still invited." Jensen's mouth curved into a beautiful smile.

"Mm-hm." Jared nodded. 

* * *

**OCTOBER 12TH 1:23 PM**

**  
**The amusement park hadn't many people, just a few couples and a few families here and there.

"I wanna ride the swings," Tommy ran over to them, making Jared and Jensen chase after. Tommy had gotten on one, Jared had gotten on another, and Jensen had gotten on one behind them. And they started up, and they went round and round. Tommy screamed with laughter and Jared smiled because of it. Jensen looked at them and he smiled because of it. And everything around them, the lights, the trees, the noise, they were all a blur. And it felt like getting away. And when they stopped, it was only smiles. Because that's what amusement parks bring. Smiles. 

"I haven't had that much fun in... forever." Jensen smiled as they walked together to the next ride. The knock-off tea cups. And Jared looked at him getting so excited, like he hadn't been to an amusement park ever. And so he dangled his hand and he moved closer to Jensen and their fingers touched and intertwined from the backs of their hands and their hands crawled over each other's until they were locked together. And they smiled, not letting their eyes meet or even letting anything else meet. But they were aware of it. And it was nice, and warm and comforting. And they'd moved fast enough in the line to get on by 3.. which is actually a pretty long time for there not being many people. And so they rode some more rides, Tommy only threw up a little, and they didn't feel the cold. So yeah, you could say it was good.

* * *

**OCTOBER 13TH 10:10 AM**

Jared wakes up sneezing and if someone asked him to, he could swear his brain is _literally pounding_ against his skull.  He practically drags himself to the kitchen and finds the medicine he hoped he wouldn't have to use this winter. He takes the dosage he's supposed to... and when he still feels like crap, he drifts across the thought of downing the whole bottle. Until the phone rings. He walks to it, ignoring the cold on his feet from the wooden floors. "Jesus fuck,  _what?_ " he groans.

"Woah, what'tssa with you?" Matt's voice comes through. 

"Who calls this early, though, dude?"

"It's 10. You have to- this isn't what I called to talk about."

"What  _did_ you call for, then?"

"Alona wants to double date or some shit,"

"Double date?  _You_ haven't even  _met_ Jensen, and she already knows about him? And me and Jensen... we're... not together. You know that."

"Yeah, I know, man. And she's my fiancée, Jared, what do you expect?"

"Fuck you both. Why, though?"

"Well, according to her, you're my only friend. And," he clears his throat. " _Best friend._ "

"I love you, too, Matty." Jared teases. 

"Shut up, Padalecki. Or I will kiss you in front of that guy,"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll ask Jensen, I guess. But it'll probably be sometime after Halloween."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Call me whenever you find out," he hung up.

It was far too early to even be thinking about Jensen meeting any of his friends. He woke up Tommy to go play with his friend three doors down, Marcus, and he left to go meet up with Jensen.

* * *

"Hey, you." Jensen gets in the passenger side of Jared's car.

"Jennnnnn," Jared pulled him closer. "I'm cold,"

Jensen smiles at this because he knows Jared is a liar. "Let me get you warm then." he says, pulling Jared to the middle of the seat now, overlapping a leg over his.

And they hadn't tried...  _this_ before. They'd kissed before, but it wasn't this intimate. 

Jared had lowered his hands to Jensen's waist, moving him more on top. They rocked slowly against each other's hipbones, the friction in their jeans getting stronger with every breath. Jensen's fingers were tangled in Jared's hair and Jared's hands were discovering Jensen's back. Their erections were against each other, precum leaving wet marks on their jeans. Jared fumbled with Jensen's shirt, and Jensen quickly unbuckled Jared's button and fly. And soon enough, they were in briefs, happy that the windows were fogged up and for the warmth coming from each other. Jared kissed and sucked at Jensen's collarbones, leaving his mark. Jensen tried to get impossibly closer to Jared now, and let his hands crawl their way down to Jared's waistband. He slipped his fingers underneath, testing his limits. Jared pushed into his fingers, and he took that as a yes. He slipped his hand lower, taking Jared's length into his hand. 

" _Fuck,_ " Jared breathed. Jensen smiled against Jared's neck and moved his hand now, teasing Jared a bit. He slid his hand back and forth before taking it out of Jared's briefs altogether. He throttled Jared once more, letting their shafts explore each other. He smiled when Jared kissed him. The kiss itself wasn't any different, but somehow, it had more feeling, more lust. More  _love._ They had it written all over their faces, the way they smiled when they kissed, the way they looked at each other between kisses, and the way they felt like they were lit on fire when they touched. It was  _love._  And they knew it, too. But what can you do when you're in the car with a beautiful boy and he won't tell you he loves you, but he loves you? So they went on in silence, only touches and kisses shared. Jensen had made his way back down to Jared's length, taking it in his hand. Jared threw his head back, letting out a soft moan. They'd taken off their underwear now and it was skin against skin. Jensen lowered himself onto the ground between Jared's legs, which was kind of hard to do considering they were in a car. But he made it work. And then Jensen decided it was too quiet, so he inched up the volume on Jared's radio.  _  
_

_I feel like makin'_

_Feel like makin' love_

_Feel like makin' love  
_

_Feel like makin' love  
_

_Feel like makin' love to you  
_

_  
_Jensen kissed the head of Jared's erection, making him moan. He licked up and down the sides and licked his lips in enjoyment. He smiled up at Jared, which drove him crazy. He wrapped his lips around the tip and began sucking and lapping. He inched Jared's full length into his mouth, surprised he could take him all in. He sucked, and swirled his tongue around, making Jared huff and puff. "I'm gonna come, Jen, I'm coming! I'm coming!" Jared said as cum shot out onto his own stomach. He breathed heavily now, and wiped it off with his under shirt. Once he calmed down, he pulled Jensen onto the seat and lowered himself onto his knees.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Jensen said, feeling the twitch of his cock.

"Don't want to? You're fuckin' kidding me, right?" Jared said as he moved his mouth over the head of Jensen's cock. He licked all over, and sucked everywhere. Jensen tried to hold in his moans, but failed. To Jensen, it felt like Jared was some kind of expert at this, when it was really his first time giving a blow job, ever. And Jensen had a nice length, but was thicker than Jared. It was easy for Jared to deepthroat him, and enjoy it. He'd came in less than a minute, all that sexual tension released. Jared swallowed which made Jensen's erection stay for a little longer. Jared had gotten on the seat now and all Jensen could think about was fucking his tight little hole. But he didn't know if Jared was ready for that yet, so he kept it to himself. They sat their, got dressed again, and panted a little. 

_Feel like makin' love to you_

 

* * *

  **OCTOBER 31ST 5:23 PM**

 **  
**"What are you supposed to be?" Jensen asked when Tommy came out of his room. Jared was making a quick dinner, so he was occupied in the kitchen and Jensen was supposed to be on kid-duty. (Jensen had laughed when Jared called it duty.)

"I'm a butterfly," he smiled. Jensen nodded.

"And a handsome one at that. C'mon," Jensen scooped him into his arms. "Let's see if Dad's finished with dinner." They walked into the kitchen to see Jared serving macaroni and cheese into bowls. "Look at this handsome little butterfly I found. He flew in through the window. Can we keep him?" Jensen asked with a grin.

"If he finishes all his dinner, then yeah, why not?" Jared replied when he looked up. They had taken their seats now and Tommy was giggling over them. It hadn't been long since they'd known each other, but it seemed as if Jensen was over all the time now. And when he wasn't there, Tommy and Jared were at his place. Even with what had happened in Jared's car a few weeks ago, they hadn't said they were together, not to each other, at least. Neither of them even brought that day up. Or the day they kissed. They acted as friends sometimes, and other times they acted as a couple. They were... complicated. They hadn't defined the relationship exactly, either, but when anyone asked, they were together. In fact, tonight they were taking Tommy trick-or-treating together. They'd finished dinner, Tommy only hate 2/3 of his, and they got ready to leave.

"Everyone ready?" Jensen asked. Tommy had his butterfly costume on, Jared was wrapped in a coat, so Jensen assumed it was a yes. They walked out of the loft to find a drunk Julie with some guy who was all over her, and it was to the point where they hadn't even noticed them at all. Jensen didn't know, or care for that matter, what was going on, because Jared had told him about Julie. Jared gulped. He didn't like what was going on. And it wasn't because he had any feelings for her, but no guy should take advantage of any girl, ever.

"Hey, you guys wait for me downstairs, I have something to take care of." Jensen nodded and took Tommy as told. Jared walked over to Julie and the guy and shoved him off of her. "Hey, man! That's my girlfriend, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he screamed. This guy was even shorter than Jensen so the minute he realized that, he took off down the hall to the elevator. After Jared made sure the guy was gone, he turned back to Julie. "What the  _fuck_ were you thinking?"

Julie was completely wasted, it wasn't like her. "Fuck you, Jared. You can't just lead me on and then bring some fucking guy over  _all. the. fucking. time._ and expect me not to feel... idunno,  _hurt?!_ I'm allowed to get drunk, okay?"

"I don't give a fuck about you getting drunk, honestly, but that guy- what he would've done to you- that would've been called rape. And in the morning, you would feel like complete shit, and he'd say you wanted it! But you're drunk, you don't know what you want!"

"I want you," she breathed out, and draped her arms over his neck.

"Julie- don't." he protested, trying to gently push her away with his hands. She gave his neck a sloppy kiss. "Stop it," he warned.

"What's he got that I don't?" she whispered into his ear before she kissed it.

He rolled his eyes, tired of her. "A dick." he shoved her off and made his way downstairs. He walked to Jensen who was talking with Tommy happily, and Tommy was giggling and his eyes were bright and that made Jared so damn happy. "Hey, are we ready?" he poked at Jensen's side. 

Jensen squirmed and nodded happily, adjusting Tommy in his arms once more and then grabbing onto Jared's hand. And they looked like a real family. Jensen felt it and Jared felt it. And they went from door to door and Tommy got more candy than he ever could've dreamed of getting and when they got back, Tommy was asleep in Jared's arms and Jensen was carrying all of his candy, and even his costume. They went upstairs and Jared put Tommy to bed and Jensen had laid on the couch until Jared joined him. "Hey," he sat down, and Jensen rested his head in Jared's lap. "So, I've been meaning to ask you, um, my friend Matt and his girl Alona want to double date with us sometime... if that's cool with you? I mean, I know we're not exactly together, but-"

"Your friends wanna meet me? Yeah, just give me a date and time." he said with a sleepy voice. "Just play with my hair, would you?"

Jared smiled and ran his hands through Jensen's hair. He scratched and massaged at his scalp until Jensen was fully asleep. Jared honestly didn't know what to do. He didn't want to wake him up, so sort of, kind of, maybe carried him to his bed.

But Jared slept on the couch afterwards.

* * *

**NOVEMBER 1ST 11:34 AM**

**  
**Jensen woke up in an unfimilar place and panicked a bit before he realized he had still been in Jared's place- or his bed. He got up and walked to the living room to find a sleeping Jared. He smiled a bit. "Hey, Jared. Wake up, Tommy's still sleeping. Did you let him miss school?"

Jared only half payed attention since he was half asleep. "Yeah, yeah." Jensen thought it'd be best if he left, but when he tried to go out the front door, Jared called him back. "Stay."

"Stay?" he asked, walking back to Jared now. "You sure?"

"Mhm," he said, pulling Jensen down onto him. Jensen chuckled as he let his weight down onto Jared's body. " _Mmm,_ " Jared moaned when he felt the presence.

"Tommy's in his room, Jared," Jensen said, trying to escape the kisses Jared was leaving on his neck.

"Don't...care...." Jared managed to get out as his hands roamed along Jensen's bare back.

Jensen was nervous, he wanted the kid to like him and get to know him- and this wasn't going to help. "Jared, no." he said, and stood up. Jared sat up and gave him a confused look.

"I'm sorry- You don't like me like that, do you? Th-that's okay, it's fine."

"Jared-"

"It's fine." Jared said. He walked to his room and shut the door behind him.

Jensen clicked his tongue and left, feeling too tired, and too confused to reassure Jared.

* * *

**NOVEMBER 18TH 10:19 PM**

**  
**Jensen was working the night shift at the grocery store, which is why he was getting into his car so late. When he did, he heard Jared's voice come through the radio. They hadn't talked in weeks, not since that morning when he left. And as far as either of them could tell, they hadn't even _tried_ to call each other.

 **"Alright, so I've been getting so many private calls asking me why I'm _so bummed out._ Well, idunno if he's listening, I really hope he's asleep or something right now, but the guy I like, he stopped calling me. I mean, I kind of stopped calling him, too, but it's different because I guess- Idunno, I guess he doesn't like me anymore. And I said it was fine, but no, it's not. I like him. And I've never liked a guy before. And I don't even like guys now-  _it's just him,_ y'know?" ** Jared leaned back into his seat in the same way Jensen did a few seconds before.  **"And I miss this guy, a lot. I do. My kid misses him, and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Because- well, he found me when I didn't even know I was lost."**

Jensen let out a shaky breath. It hurt him to know that Jared thought he didn't like him anymore, because he did. He loved him. And for Jared to think something like that- after he... after he says Jensen  _found_ him, it hurt. So Jensen got out the number he'd saved a couple months ago and dialed it on his phone.

 **"Hope y'all liked that song. I'm gonna take some calls live now."** Matt pushes a button.  **"You're on live with Jared Padalecki, what's your poison?"** he laughs at himself now.

"You asked me to call again sometime," Jensen says, remembering the first time he called to the show. He smiles now. And so does Jared.

**"Jensen? I didn't- did you hear the whole thing?"**

"...yeah, but it's okay. I miss you, too. And Tommy. I like you a lot, Jared." he said, grinning.

**"It's good to hear your voice- look I only have 20 seconds before I have to play another song, so call me after the show, okay?"**

"Yeah, 'course." Jensen said and hung up. He rested his forehead on the steering wheel, giggling a bit. He said what he needed to. He went home and listened to the rest of the show and he tried to stay up until one, he really did, but he fell asleep anyways.

* * *

**NOVEMBER 19TH 7:56 AM**

**  
**Jared waved bye to Tommy who was leaving on the school bus when Jensen's car pulled up. "You look like you could use a ride," Jensen smirked.

"My mom always told me not to get into cars with strangers." Jared bit his lip to keep from smiling. Jensen parked his car and half jogged to Jared. The first thing he did before anything else was take his face into his hands. He stared at his sunflower-like eyes that so desperately stated,  _"I love you,"_ and Jensen wanted to be the first to say it, but neither of them did. But passed all that, Jensen kissed Jared. And it's not like it was their first kiss, or even their second, but it was  _like_ a second-first-kiss. And it had all the emotions and all the nervousness and all the mess-ups that come with first kisses. Jared's nose hit Jensen's, their lips weren't exactly in the right place, they'd done absolutely nothing with their hands, but it felt right to them. And when they stopped, Jensen chuckled. "What?"

"Nothing, I just- I missed you,"

"Idiot." Jared smiled before planting another kiss on Jensen's grin.

"Shut up. By the way, why are you out here kissing me with no shirt on?"

"Because you drove- oh shut up, asshole. You wanna come inside?"

"You seriously have to ask?" he grabbed Jared's hand and tangled their fingers together. Of course, the occasional person stared in shock, but it didn't matter to them. They had things to talk about.

"Look, don't leave like that again.. okay?" Jared said as they sat together now on his couch. "I just really- I-"

"Hey, hey. Don't worry; I'm not going anywhere." Jared lowered his eyes, unable to meet Jensen's. He felt more vulnerable than he would have liked to, a little needy and a tad desperate. But it was because of Jensen, and he'd be damned if it made him look at him differently because it was  _because_ of him. "What? What is it?" Jensen asked, pulling a little on Jared's sweat pants. 

"You-" Jared started, ready to beg Jensen to stay, despite what he felt. But then he seen it; The flash of distance in Jensen's green eyes. "Nothing." he smiled instead.

"...you sure?"

"Yeah, mm'sure." he lied.  _Liar. Just tell him, he'll understand. Won't he? ...no... he doesn't love you... why would he? Just some guy. Don't scare him, don't scare him. Be happy. Lie._ Jared thought to himself. 

"Good." Jensen whispered before moving himself closer to Jared. He kissed at his strong jaw, and let his hands fall to Jared's waist. Jared did nothing. He didn't want to stop him, but he didn't want to participate either. He felt it all rushing back. The anxiety. The sleepless nights. The black outs. He hadn't had any of this since... since Genevieve. And he felt it all. He felt himself becoming what he was so scared to go back to. And he felt his face be taken into Jensen's hands and only then did he realize he was crying. "Jared? Jared! Hey, hey. What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?" Jensen talked, Jared's face still held in his hands.

Jared came to, and looked at Jensen's green eyes with his green eyes. "I'm sorry." was all that came out. When all he really wanted to say was  _I love you. Please don't leave me. I need you. I want you. Jensen, please stay. Just stay._ But he couldn't get any of that out, so again: "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Why are you sorry? Hey, no, it's okay. Whatever you think you did- it's okay. Look at me, look at me." Jensen said in a half-panicked voice, seeing that Jared was getting lost in himself again, but he looked at Jensen again. "It's okay to cry. It's okay. Do you know why? You know what they say about crying?" Jared shook his head no. "They say that each time a person cries, they're a little more beautiful than they were before. You're a little more beautiful than you were before. I find you even more beautiful than you were before. Seemingly impossible, but, you know." 

Jared stopped crying and looked at Jensen, wanting to cry again for the words he just said. "You're beautiful," he said, his tear-streaked face lighting up. "I love you."

Jensen moved back a little now. He gasped a little, feeling his muscles tighten and his breath become more quick than it had been. He was disappointed. He wanted to say it first- wanted to let Jared know that he felt it first. "I love you too, you idiot. Don't scare me like that- don't you do that to me."

He relaxed Jensen's worries with a kiss, followed by another, and followed by two more. 

* * *

"Jensen?" Jared wanted to see if Jensen was still awake, laying half way on his stomach on the big bed, his voice raspy.

"Mm," Jensen answered.

"You love me?"

"Mhm,"

"Are you sure?"

"Mhm,"

"I love you, too."

"I know. We had this conversation five minutes ago." Jensen whined, gripping onto Jared's waist. Jared smiled. He knew that everything was back, but he also knew that Jensen would be there through it with him, and that made everything a little bit more okay than it already was with him around.

"Jensen?"

"Mm,"

"I love you."

" _Jared_ , I love you, too. Lemme sleep."

"Okay, I love you."

"I love you, too." and Jared let him sleep. And he looked out the window from his bed and he wondered how many other people were being reassured by the ones they loved that they actually loved them. And he thought so much about it that he ended up falling asleep, too. Just until Tommy let himself inside with the key he was given for emergencies.


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

Tommy looked from Jared to Jensen as they all sat apart from each other. "So," his dad started. "You seen us in my bed together."

Tommy only gave silence. He  _knew_ his dad had this new guy for a  _friend._  "Yeah. What was that about?" he finally said.

"Well, Jensen's..." Jared glanced at Jensen who looked extremely uncomfortable. "Jensen is my friend."

Jensen started to nod, but abruptly stopped. He looked at Jared who only looked at the floor. He wasn't Jared's  _friend._ He was his... well, they hadn't determined that yet. But he'd told him he loved him. He'd said it, and Jared said it too. And he really loved Tommy, too. And he wanted this. So, he decided to make that clear. "No, I'm not your dad's friend, buddy." He moved closer to the edge of the couch and leaned forward so that he was pretty close to Tommy, who was sitting on the coffee table. "I'm your dad's boyfriend. And I love him. And I love you, too. Just maybe not in the same way. But I love both of you. And your dad knows that. You've probably never seen two boys together, have you?" he waited until Tommy shook his head. "Right, okay, so it's okay for two b- men, to be together in a relationship. And that's not how you have to be either. You can like girls. And you can also like boys. And even both. That's fine. But me and your dad like each other. And we're more than friends. And so, it's okay for us to kiss and hold hands, and have dinner together... As long as you're okay with all that.  _Are_ you okay with all of that?"

Tommy took it all in. He thought about it for a minute. "Well, why wouldn't I be? Two dad's means more people to play catch with."

Jensen let out a rough chuckle and patted Jared's knee as he blew out a sigh of relief. "Are you still going to Malcom's?" Jared asked Tommy.

"Yeah, at four."

"It's five minutes to four. They lived two blocks over." Jensen chimed in.

"Can Julie walk me?"

"Uh- Tommy... no." Jared scratched his head. "I'll walk you. Jensen, you'll be okay here?"

"Yeah, 'course." he smiled and went back to watching an episode of  _Saturday Night Live_ he hadn't seen before. 

"Okay, love you." Jared said and pecked Jensen on the lips. He waited for a second, but Jensen hadn't said anything back, and didn't seem like he was going to, so he left, but didn't stop thinking about it on the way there and all the way back. And when he did get back 15 minutes later, he asked Jensen about it. "So, um, you didn't say it back."

"Huh?" Jensen said, turning to Jared when it went to commercial.

"Idunno- I said 'Love you' when I left and you didn't say it back."

" _Jesus,"_ Jensen whispered under his breath. "Okay, Jared. Love you, too."

"No, I'm not, like, forcing you to say it. I just want to know why you didn't."

"I'm sorry, Jared. I just- I don't know, I just didn't."

"Right. Whatever." he said, letting it go and moving away from Jensen on the couch. 

"Are you serious, Jared. Can you be a little mature about this. I said sorry."

"I don't want your goddamn apology, Jensen. I just wish you hadn't lied."

"Lied? What the fuck are you going on about this time? No, don't look at me like that. Don't. What did I do?"

"You don't love me. And you don't love me because I'm not good enough. Whatever. I have anxiety, and I'm probably depressed and shit, but jesus, I just wish you hadn't said it earlier when you did because all of this would have been a hell of a lot easier."

"Jared I- wait, what? Make what easier?"

"Look, Tommy and I are moving to Canada. I told you about my acting thing and I got the part. But the show films in Canada."

" _Canada?!_ What. The. Fuck." Jensen said, lifting himself off the couch. "And when the fuck were you planning on telling me about that?"

"Soon, Jensen, I swear. I was gonna ask you to come with us before we- yeah, and then when we got back together, I didn't want you to drop your life for us, and then I said it, and you said it.. and I'm real sorry."

"You're  _sorry?_ No. No. Nononononono, no fuck you. You can't make me fall in love with you, and make me love your kid and make me feel like I have a goddamn family and then leave. You can't just become a part of me and then...  _leave._ Can't you see that that's wrong?" he had hot tears running down his face now, and Jared was kissing at them and shushing him and telling him that it'd be okay, and it felt okay when they held each other and when Jensen had calmed down, but truthfully, it wasn't. Not at all. "I wanna come with you, I do, but I can't."

"I know, I know. You just moved here a couple months ago, and that's not fair for me to ask of you."

"I got this job at the world trade center. That's why I can't come with you."

"What?!" Jared smiled down at him. "That's so great, Jen!"

Jensen bit his lip. "Thanks. It won't be so great without you two around though. We can.. we can stay together, can't we?"

"Jensen, if you suggested anything other than that I would have thrown myself in front of a bus." Jared smiled and kissed Jensen, making his way to his collar bones, and somehow, after a few kisses they were back in Jared's bed, fully unclothed. "Oh  _god,_ "

"Gimme the condom-" he breathed as Jared did so. He slipped it onto himself and lubed his shaft up, before playing with Jared's rectum for a minute. He pushed his fingers inside, stretching it out, getting it ready for himself. Jared moaned with a mixture of pleasure and pain, and pushed himself more back onto Jensen's thick fingers. He slid them in and out, a crooked smile forming on the side of his lips as he heard Jared's moans. And then he pulled them out, replacing them with his cock. 

" _Fuck, fuck, fuck, right there, baby, feelssogood_." Jared moaned louder, and Jared obliged. He thrusted himself into Jared's still tight hole, getting faster with each push, and soon they fell into a rhythm. "Uh, uh, uh-" Jared groaned in pleasure as Jensen's thickness pushed into him. After slow minutes, Jensen felt himself coming to a climax. And Jared had just hit one, his cum piling onto his and Jensen's tummy's. Jensen thrusted harder now, biting hard onto Jared's collar bone, leaving his mark in return for the one Jared had just left on his neck. He cummed into the condom, and removed and disposed of it once he was out of Jared. They gave lazy smiles and kisses and touches until Jared wanted to be the one inside Jensen, and the whole thing started again until it was time to pick up Tommy. And they actually went together. 

* * *

**NOVEMBER 25TH 6:08 PM**

**  
**"Happy Thanksgiving!" Jensen smiled as he let multiple people inside his _huge_ loft. FIrst it was Jared and Tommy, and then it was Jared's friends, Alona, Matt, Misha, and a mutual friend that he and Jensen shared, Rachel. Then Jensen's friends, Brock, and Rob. And it wasn't much of a party, but it was good. And soon, every one was friends. And then they sat at the dinner table and said their thanks. And then it was time to dig in.

"So, Jared, how long have you been gay?" one of Jensen's friends, Brock, asked. 

"It's kind of a long story," this made Jensen smile because he'd already heard the story. "I'm not gay." Jared smiled, and laughed as soon as he said it. "It's like... okay, well it's like I only like Jensen like that. I've never seen a guy before and been like 'Wow, he's attractive.' and then, you know, there he was. And still to this day, I still don't find any other guy attractive. I mean, yeah, I know when a guy is good lookin' and when he's not. But I'm not physically attracted to anyone but him. And I'm like that with girls, too. I just- I don't know, I don't like anyone but him. And come on, he's  _great_ looking, and he has these green eyes that I swear match up with the greenest grass, except brighter. And that mouth.. I mean, those are all so amazing. And I didn't think he could be more perfect, you know? But then we talked and he is honestly such a great person in general, and I sort of maybe turned Jensensexual right then and there." he blushed when he realized how much he'd talked then. "I'm sorry, I tend to ramble a lot."

Jensen smiled and put a hand on Jared's thigh. Everyone shared stories, and laughed. And Tommy had fallen asleep before anyone even got drunk. And then everyone was gone and they had left their cars and spent Jensen's money on taxi cabs. "Hey, you." Jensen smiled at a sleepy Jared. "Just so you know, I'm Jaredsexual. C'mon, with you having deep ass dimples like those and that goddamn smile. I knew I was gay, but I didn't know I was  _this_ gay. And god, those eyes. Those fucking eyes, Padalecki. They change colors all the goddamn time. I mean sometimes they're green, and other times they're blue, and sometimes hazel, or brown. But my favorite is when you get real happy, and automatically, your eyes change. They turn blue for the most part, but on top, right next to your pupils, it's like a sunflower or something, floats on top of water and it's the damnedest thing." he smiles to himself now. "But don't even get me started on your shoulder-to-waist ratio, okay?" he smiles to Jared now, and leans in for a kiss. And their scruff rubs together, and it gets their skin irritated, but in the best kind of way. "You- you wanna sleep here tonight? Tommy's already sleeping and-"

"Really? Would that be asking too much?"

"What? No. I sleep over at your place all the time."

"No, I know, but- Idunno, you sure it's okay?"

"It's more than okay." Jensen smiled and then his stomach dropped. He thought back to the day Jared had told him about his plans to move. "Wait, wait. We never finished talking."

"About what?" 

"The big move," Jensen gave a sad laugh.

"Oh."

"Oh? Yeah, oh. You leave in March. A few days after my birthday."

"I know, I know. But we're gonna visit each other all the time, right?" Jared bit his lip.

"Yeah. Yeah. But what about the times we can't?" Jensen lit a cigarette. "What about holidays and shit? You know how expensive tickets are."

"What are you saying?"

"That- I just... nothing. I'm gonna miss you, and missing you is gonna make me spend a shit load of money. Asshole." Jensen smiled, pushing his thoughts away. 

"I'm gonna miss you, too. And we'll just have to make it work. There's phone's in canada, too, you know. Asshole." Jared pulled him close and stole his cigarette. He hadn't had one in forever. "And plus, they have phones that text. We can get some of those. And we can talk all the time. It's not like we don't have the money."

"Okay. That's good, then. It's gonna work out." he smiled, but after a month, he ran out of things to keep himself numb.

* * *

**DECEMBER 25TH 7:56 PM**

_Oh the weather outside is frightful_   
_But the fire is so delightful_   
_And since we've no place to go_   
_Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!!_

_It doesn't show signs of stopping_   
_And I've bought some corn for popping_   
_The lights are turned way down low_   
_Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!_

_  
_"Hey, babe, I know since you said we're only doing a family-only Christmas, you said that we'd only buy Tommy presents, but I couldn't resist." Jared smiled widely and pulled out a guitar from inside his room.

" _Jared fuckin' Padalecki!_ I said no gifts! And you totally broke my rule with this - _holy shit-_ guitar. I'm not so sure I should give you yours."

"Oh c'mon, Ackles!" Jared poked at his boyfriend's sides. "Don't make me beg."

"But I like it when you beg for it," Jensen smirked. 

"I'm gonna kick your 6'1 ass."

"I'd love to see you try."

"Shut up."

"Make me." Jensen smirked once more, and Jared gave him a look so he threw his hands up in a playful surrender and pulled out a two gold watches.

"Jen! Gold friggin watches?! Wait, why two?"

"Because, we might be in different time zones, but at least I know that we'll be looking at the same time-giving thing when we're reminded of it."

Jared's lips went into a small pout and his eyes filled with tears. "I am so in love with you," 

"And I might possibly be even more in love with you." Jensen smiled as they kissed.

* * *

**FEBRUARY 8TH (2000) 12:09 PM**

**  
**Jensen was a nervous wreck. It was less than a month away until Jared would leave and he's not so sure that he'd be okay without him. I mean, he doesn't even remember life without Jared. Hell, he doesn't remember his life being together before Jared. And then he was just gonna leave? Hope that the whole long-distance thing would just magically work out when they could barely do it together. But it was their love for each other that held them together. And as cheesy as that sounds, it was true. "Hey," speaking of the devil, Jared walked into their bedroom. Yes, their. They'd moved in together into Jared's apartment. It was smaller than Jensen's, but it was home. And now it was home for Jensen. "What are you thinking so hard about?"

"That you'll be gone soon." if there was one thing Jensen was  _amazing_ at, it was being blunt. 

"Jen," Jared cleared his throat. "We already talked about this. We talked a lot about this, you know that. We talked about what we were gonna do when I leave. How it's gonna be and nothing's gonna change."

"Don't say that to me. Don't you say that to me." Jensen shouted. "You're gonna meet someone new, some handsome actor girl who's gonna fuck you on your first night there and you're gonna love her, but you know what? She's never gonna love you. At least not like I do. Not like I love you."

"Jensen, calm down." Jared sighed. Jensen had had three of these breakdowns since Jared first told him. And the truth is, he'd fallen a little out of love with him each time. "Can you just stop for a goddamn minute?!" He finally shouted when Jensen kept mumbling and pacing around. Usually, Jared never yelled at Jensen when he was like this. He used to be the one with anxiety attacks and he finally knew what it was like to deal with someone who was having one. And you'd think that it'd make him be more understanding, but it only made it worse. Jared felt like Jensen had no reason to have these attacks. That he had no reason to feel anything Jared had ever felt before. He felt like it was his emotions that only he could have. Because nothing had ever happened to Jensen. Nothing. Just because he was leaving did not give him the right to be feeling  _his_ emotions. "Shut the hell up, Jensen!" and that stopped Jensen cold.

"W-what?" the fear had left his eyes, and only rage was there. "Me? You're telling me to shut the hell up. Fuck you.  _Jesus_ , fuck you."

Jared already felt guilty. It wasn't okay for this to happen. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jensen, I'm sorry."

"I'm gonna go sleep at Rob's." Jensen almost said it as a question, and puzzled look turned in Jared's direction.

"Um, okay. Just, come back soon. We both need to cool down anyways."

* * *

"He  _did not!_ " Jensen's new best friend Rob said.

"He did, I swear! He told me to shut the hell up. Even though he's had his fair share of anxiety whatevers."

That gave Rob a laugh. "Y'know, that shit's nothing to joke about, I know that, you know that, and I'd think that he would be a little more sensitive to it."

"I mean, he's leaving and he thinks he has the reason to be mad at  _me_?"

"So, he's going to Vancouver to...?"

"It's for some acting thingy. They're gonna train and all that shit for like a year, and then some other stuff. Idunno, for some show.. um...  _Not Natural_ I think it is. So he's moving there with Tommy and he just hopes it's gonna work. And I mean, hell, it's hardly even working  _now,_ ya know?"

"So then... break up with him." Rob smiled sarcastically. 

"I- No, I can't. Being in love sucks." he said with a sigh as he let himself fall on the couch with a thump.

"Yeah, whatever. I kind of wish I was gay so then I wouldn't have to search for a girlfriend. Maybe I'd, like, be your rebound dude. Shit, I really do wish I was gay."

"You're an asshole," Jensen said with a grin as he threw a pillow to Rob. "Play the goddamn movie."

* * *

 

 

**FEBRUARY 9TH 3:45 PM**

**  
**"Hey," Jensen said as he walked to Jared.

"Hi, um, we should talk."

"Yeah, yeah, I was thinking the same thing."

"You go first." they said at the same time.

"I'll go first," Jared half smiled. "I think we should break up." _  
_

Jensen's throat closed up as his boyfriend's- _ex_ boyfriend's eyes searched his face for a reaction. Those eyes much like sunflowers floating on a pond, those eyes, the ones he'd fallen in love with. They darted across his face like they couldn't find a safe place to land. "Oh," was all he could get out.

"Okay, wait, look at me, listen to me." Jared ran his hands over his tear-filling eyes. "Look, Jensen. Hey, hey. I love you so goddamn much that it literally aches in my heart whenever I think about it. Whenever I think about us. And I am  _so_ in love with you. Jensen, -look at me- I really mean every word. And Tommy loves you so much, and I know I said that this shit would work, and I really thought it would. But Jen, -no, hey, come on- you are in so much pain as it is, and it's because of me. Do you know how that makes me feel? That I've made my stubborn love drift so far away, when I never thought you could. And yet, here we are. Jensen, I can't look at you and see you every couple months and wonder if you're still as in love with me as you were months before. So I think, until I come back, that there shouldn't be an us anymore."

Jensen's green eyes closed, as if shutting himself off. "No." was what he finally said after Jared tried again and again to comfort him by touches and kisses and hugs. "nonononononononononono"

***

Jensen fell asleep only to be woken up by Jared to their room only filled with his clothes and his things. And then Jared walked in. "You're awake. Hey." he tucked a bit of his hair behind his ear. "Look, me and Tommy are leaving tomorrow and um, this place is yours. If you wanna say bye, we'll be at the airport at 7 am tomorrow, and our flight leaves at 9, so um.."

"Get out." Jensen turned his back to Jared, staring out the large window. Traffic zoomed by and the streetlights were just shining bright.

"Jen-"

"Please, just- just leave."

"Right, okay." Jared walked out of the apartment. He felt so empty. He felt like he'd made a mistake, but this was for Jensen. It was all for Jensen.

* * *

**FEBRUARY 10TH 7:09 AM**

**  
**Jared glanced at his watch -the watch Jensen had given him, nonetheless. His stomach dropped as Jensen's smile danced it's way across his mind. He really did hope Jensen would come and say goodbye. Except he never did.

* * *

**MARCH 24TH 11:56 PM**

**  
**"God, shit, fuck, St-eve!"

"You like it, though, don't you?" Steve said through jagged breaths. 

"Steve, man, you gotta go home before I take this farther than you thought you could go." Jared said hoarsely into his co-stars ear.

"Jesus, fuck, Padalecki." the nickname hit him like a bullet and suddenly he was sober enough to remember Jensen. 

"Steve, c'mon, my kid's in the next room."

Steve sighed. "Okay. Cutie. You're a good father. Just, feed him more. 'Cause he's really skinny," 

"You're one to talk, you goddamn twig." Jared laughed and throttled his best friend/co-star/off-set boyfriend/secret boyfriend once more and gave him a rough, teeth crashing, breath shared, hands-tangled-in-hair kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"You're thinking about him?" Steve said after they didn't move for a while.

Jared had told Steve all about Jensen. Every single detail when they were close enough to share that. "Yeah, I guess."

"So, talk to me about it." Steve scooted back and laid his head in Jared's lap. His erection was still sort of there, but not enough for it to be a bother. Steve knew Jared needed to get all of this out, and that's what Jared loved about him most. He was as good a friend as he was a boyfriend.

But Jared knew how tiring it had to be, so instead: "We were together, and all the rest I forgot about."

"Jared, it's okay, you can tell me about him."

"I don't want to. He's my past. You're my present. And hopefully my future."

That got Steve to quit pestering and go home. Jared laid down in bed, thinking about what Jensen might have been doing.

 

Meanwhile, it was two AM, March 25th in New York.

 

"Danneel, babe, I told you I was working late tonight. If I want the promotion and you want to go somewhere nice for our one-month anniversary dinner, then I suggest you make me some poptarts and  _pleeeease_ stay up so we can watch that episode of  _Saturday Night Live_ you made me miss."

"I don't know how you got for me to fall in love with you in just two weeks. I really don't. You're such a dork." the beautiful redhead smiled over the phone.

"I love you, too." Jensen grinned. 

"Yeah, yeah. By the way, tell your boss I said to suck my d-"

"Byebyebyebyebye," Jensen said as his boss walked over to him, and seeing as Danneel was on speaker, it was a good thing to hang up.

"I wasn't aware your girlfriend had one."

"Wh- I'm sorry, sir."

"It's no big deal, Jen. And you can leave now, if  _SNL_ is really that important." his boss smiled. He liked Jensen, he valued him as an employee.

"Thank you, sir." he smiled as his boss walked away. He didn't want to be rude, but he wanted so badly to ask him never to call him 'Jen' again. It was something he'd talked about with Danneel. It was only Jared who was allowed to call him that. It'd been more than a month since he last seen Jared. And in that time, he'd fallen in love with a gorgeous girl named Danneel, and it'd taken each of them two weeks to do so. And they moved in together, since she'd practically already lived there anyways. And the thing that was so great about Danneel was that she was so goddamn down to earth. And you really wouldn't expect that from a girl who looked like her. When Jensen first seen her, he was talking to some dude in a bar. He really loved her smile, and it's the first thing he told her. And they hit it off. See, at first, she told him she wasn't looking for a relationship, so he said, "Neither was I, but I guess I found some glasses on the way over here." and it was clumsy as fuck, and she laughed and so did he, and it was stupid, but it was theirs. 

He got home to find her eating poptarts and gasping over the show Jared was in,  _Not Natural_. "Oh, Jen...sen, baby, I didn't know you came in. I'll ch-"

"No, it's okay. It really doesn't bother me." he lied. He sat down in bed next to her and let her rest her head on his shoulder.

And soon enough, they were both asleep. 

* * *

  **JULY 19TH 8:30 AM** **  
**

 **  
**It was Jared's birthday. Jensen hadn't done anything special for his. Mainly, because Jared hadn't even called him to wish him a happy one for his 27th. But Jensen decided to call him anyways, because, really, what was the harm?

Jensen's eyes went wide as the phone rang. And then finally, someone picked up. "Yeah?"

Wait... that wasn't Jared. That was some other dude's voice. What the hell? "Uh, yeah, is Jared there? Jared Padalecki?"

"Yeah, sorry, this is his phone but he's showering- oh, here he is."

Jensen heard whispers from the other line. "Who is it?"

"Idunno, some dude with a very hot voice."

"So then I'll be getting birthday sex from someone else tonight?"

"Shut up, Padalecki. And you're making that person wait, you ass."

"Oh, shit- Um, yeah, hello?"

"H-happy birthday." Jensen creaked out.

"Oh- um, Steve, can I have some privacy? Thanks... Jen? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me." Jensen said, feeling warm to the familiar nickname.

"Hi, hey, how've you been?"

"Uh, good, for the most part. You're great on tv, by the way.  Y-your boyfriend, he's really great at playing your brother." they both chuckle.

"Wait, my boyfriend?" Jared asked after a while. "We never announced t-"

"C'mon, Padalecki, the way you look at him.. You used to look at me like that."

"Well, yeah, we're together. You'd love him, honestly. He acts just like you sometimes." Jared regretting saying it as soon as he did.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. So, um, what about you? Any new guys?"

"Nope. But, I do have a girlfriend."

"Oh. Oh. That's great. S'what's her name?"

"Danneel. Danneel Harris. She's a model."

"I will have to look her up." Jared smiled sadly. "You're not, um, into guys, anymore?"

"I am, just... both, I guess."

"Right, right. No, I get it."

"You'd love Danneel, though. She's the best, I swear. I mean, a model who isn't afraid to eat poptarts in front of me, and then not gain weight for it. It's the best. Not that I'd mind if she gained wait. She's already curvy, but it's a natural thing. And _the.sex.is.greeeeat._ "

Jared huffed. "Oh, that's great."

"Yeah, yeah. So, um, any special plans for tonight?"

"Yup. Yeah. Lot's of um, lot's of birthday sex from Steve. Look, I'm really busy, I don't have time for y-" Jared stopped himself.

"For me? Right, big actor now, I almost forgot. You sounded human. You even sounded capable of loving that douche."

"Is this what you called me for?"

"Yeah, no, happy 23rd birthday, Jared. By the way, all your old friends who you don't have time for say hi. Matt even gave you a shout out on the radio this morning, but you wouldn't know." Jensen threw his phone at the wall. It didn't break, and he wasn't sure if it had hung up, but he screamed anyways.  _"Fuck! Fuck! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! Fuck you!! I put_ everything  _I had into us. And you're- fuckfuckfuck! I hate you so much! I- no, I don't."_ he fell to his knees now.  _"I wish I could you as much as I hate myself."_

And this wouldn't be such a big a big deal since Jensen yelled like this sometimes when he was alone. But Jared had heard the whole thing.

* * *

**JULY 28TH 11:08 AM**

**  
**"Come on, you little booger. Don't you wanna see Misha?"

"I don't know who that is."

"Liar. You know what happens to liars."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Ok-" he was interrupted by the doorbell. "There he is!"

"Ugh!"

"Misha!"

"Where the fuck have you been?!"

"Wh-"

"Missing calls from  _all_ of us and not returning them? And jesus, Matt was so goddamn devistated. You- fucking shit!"

"Misha, hey, my kid's right here."

"I know. You ever really stop to think about him? You know, the kid who's in love with New York. In love with Jensen? And you ripped it all away. You never stopped to think about that, did you? Just in such a hurry to try and escape oblivion. Totally fucking inevitable, by the way."

"This is my life now."

"Yeah, too damn good for the rest of us. I mean.. we've been bestfriends since.. forever. And- and, Matt and Alona- they miss you so much. And hell, all of us, for some reason, have gotten so close since that party. Even Jensen's friends. And we just wish you were a part of it. Because Jensen has become a good buddy since you left. And that's not fair to any of us. I mean, sure, Rob and Brock never really got to meet you, but they wish you were there, too. Just like the rest of us. Just like Jensen. And Julie- Julie cleaned herself up. And Danneel, she thinks you're such a great actor. She loves _Not Natural_. They're actually having this party for me, next month, for my birthday. It'll be the nine of us. And ten if you come. You can get a sitter for To-"

"That's not my life anymore!"

"Right, okay. That's really all I needed to know. So, bye, Jared. Lose our numbers."

"Our?"

"They asked me to check if you were an asshole. And since you are.. well, take care."

"I am not an asshole just because I don't want to be seen with people like you guys."

"Get off your high horse. You're just as shitty as the rest of us."

Jared couldn't disagree. In fact, he knew he was worse. And then Misha was gone. And his kid wasn't paying attention to him, and he really needed an arm around him and lips on his lips. But not just any arm, and not just any lips. Jensen's.

* * *

**AUGUST 30TH 10:13 PM**

"Happy birthday, dude!" Jensen drunkenly yelled for the ninth time to Misha that night.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks, buddy." Misha patted his shoulder. "Maybe it's time I take you home?"

"No! No, I d- no!"

"Danneel's called, like, six times now. Jenny, c'mon."

"Ugggghhh!" Jensen groaned. "Can't I sleep here?"

"I would love to have a sleep over with you, okay, but me and Rachel have some... things to do."

Jensen let out a loud laugh. "Okay, fine. I'm gonna go home and get me some of that, too."

"Let's go." Misha smiled. They'd had the party, and Misha turned 31. Jensen got shitfaced drunk, and all was well.

* * *

**SEPTEMBER 19TH 6:08 PM**

"It's been like, a year?" Brock asked.

"Almost, yeah." Jensen answered.

"But... you're over him, right?" 

Jensen just shrugged. "I mean, I kind of have no choice but to be."

"Yeah, yeah. So, um, how are things with Danneel?"

"Great. She's great. Things are.. great."

"I probably shouldn't tell you this because Matt told me not to, but he's coming back in two weeks. They all patched shit up, and said their sorrys, so he's coming back."

"What? For what?"

"Just to see everyone. He wants to see you, but Alona thought it'd be a bad idea since we've all gotten so close. Y'know, we all hang out, we're all best friends, and Danneel has become a part of that, too. So.."

"Yeah, no, I get it. But he.. he wanted to see me?"

"He says it's mostly for Tommy... but, I think differently." Brock grinned. "You gonna try and see him?"

"I don't know, man. I just.. I don't know. But uh, you should get back to the- the store, right?"

"Yeah. I'll see you. Tell Danneel I said hey."

"Yeah."

* * *

**OCTOBER 11TH 12:03**

**  
**"Jared! Jared Padalecki!" "Jared! I'm your biggest fan!" "Jared! Can we get a picture!" "JARED I LOVE YOU!" young teenage girls screamed at Jared from every way of the airport he turned to. Really, all he wanted to do was go home to Jensen. And yet, that wasn't even possible.

He did wave, and he did put on a smile. But he was pretty sad that he had to leave Tommy at home for his spelling bee. He blew out a breath of relief when he seen Alona.

"Jesus, it's good to see you."

"I'd hug you, but let's wait until we get into the car. We don't need rumors."

Jared chuckled. "Yeah, c'mon."

Once they got to the car, they embraced in a hug. "Jared... you fucked up."

"Alona, dude, I just landed, can we not?"

"Look, Jensen has a new girlfriend. You probably already heard about her. But, we've all become really close. I mean, the nine of us-"

"Nine? What the hell?"

"Yeah, um- me, Matt, Misha, Rachel, Rob, Brock, Jensen, Julie and- and Danneel."

"She's not good enough for him."

"Jared!"

"What?"

"She's my friend. She really does love him."

" _She_ will neverlove him like  _I_ love him."

"You left! Wait, what? You still love him! That's not fair, Jared!" Alona was red in the face now. She -and everyone else- had become good friends with Jensen, and she loved him like she loved Jared.

"Why are you taking sides? And why is it his?"

"I- Jared, you left. You broke his heart. And it took a lot for him to get back on his feet again. To ever feel like he could trust anyone with his life again. And all of us were there for him. And time after time, he's been there for us. And that goes for Danneel, too. They're great together. And he knows you're back. And so does she. And you know, what? She wants to meet you. You just- you left. And she showed him that he could trust again. She's family now. Jensen's family, now. Like Brock, like Rob. They're all just as much as family as Matt, Julie, Misha, Rachel and I are. And you, nonetheless. I need you to understand that."

"So, what? I can't see him?"

"Not unless you want whatever you had to come up." She stared out the window now, so he crossed his arms and closed his eyes until they got to Misha's house.

 

 

 

***

 

"Hey, asshole." Misha sported a huge, goofy grin.

"Hi, douchebag." Jared matched with one of his own.

"Hey, thanks for dropping my dog off Alona!"

"Anytime." she smiled before she got back into the cab and it drove away.

"So," Misha said as they walked in. "You gonna see him?"

"I can't. I mean, I still have Steve, you know?"

"Steve's an asshole."

"Misha, c'mon. He's not that bad."

"You hated the dude at first!"

"Yeah but the play-nice thing made me like him, and then I really liked him."

"..Do you still love Jensen?"

Jared sighed as he sat down next to Misha. "Look, that- that's complicated." He ran a large hand through his hair. 

"There's no such thing as complicated, shitface. Either you love him, or you don't."

"Yeah, okay, I love him. I do. I just- it's fucking complicated! I am so goddamn in love with him, and yet he's so goddamn in love with Danneel- or whatever. And then, you know, Steve fucking told me he loved me before I came here, and he said he wants me to be happy, and whatever I do that he will always love me and what the fuck does that mean?" Jared exhaled sharply and Misha let out a laugh. "What? What the fuck is so funny?"

"He knows you're gonna hook up with Jensen. Danneel told him the same goddamn thing."

"So y'all are just expecting us to kiss and make up as soon as we see each other?"

"Hey, your words, not mine." Misha grinned as Jared kicked his leg.

* * *

**OCTOBER 12TH 10:14 PM**

**  
**"You okay, man?" Misha asked as he patted Jensen on the back.

"It's- it's been a long time since I've seen him. "

"I know, he's just as nervous as you are, though, okay, buddy?"

"You didn't force him into it, right? He- he wanted to come on his own?"

"Yup. Still as in lo- he wants to see you, okay, trust me."

Jensen gulped as soon as he seen Jared walk up to the car. "Oh god. Oh god, ohgodohgodohgodohgod"

Jared opened the door, and eyes locked on Jensen's as he stood there. He could swear that the butterflies in his stomach were going to fly out of his mouth. "Hey, stranger."

"Um- Jared."

"Yeah?"

"Missed you," Jensen tried his best to talk. Misha had just walked back into his apartment and he was now inside of the black SUV with Jared alone.

"Yeah? I missed you, too." Jared unawarely leaned into Jensen's smell and kissed the lips he'd been longing for.  "Jesus, fuck, I'm- I'm sorry, man."

Jensen didn't even push him away, though. He didn't reply to Jared. He didn't smile, he didn't think, he just pulled Jared in for another kissed. "Missed you so much." he said while he rested his forehead on Jared's collarbone over his shirt.

"I missed you so much, too, Jen."

"It's good to see you, Padalecki." Jensen smiled when he looked at him now. "So, you wanna go see my place?" Jensen gulped.

"Isn't your girlfriend there?"

"Girlfriend? What? Oh, um, no she's in California, shooting for the cover of some magazine."

"Great. Um, do you mind if I smoke.. in here?"

Jensen smiled at this know, but it kind of made him sad, realizing how much time they spent apart. "You can if I can." Jensen smiled as he pulled one out and lit it. It wasn't just smoking, though. To them, it was the first night they kissed. It was the day they said their 'I love you's. And now it was the kiss they shared after being away for so long.

 

***

 

"Fuck you, take off your own pants, I took off mine." Jensen complained, breathlessly.

"I helped with your briefs." Jared replied with a grin as Jensen fumbled with the Jared's jeans, anyways. After everything was off, they groped, and touched, and pulled, and bit, and rocked, and stole kisses. And it was heaven in a bed.

* * *

**OCTOBER 13TH 9:58 AM**

**  
**They dressed themselves once again, and went into the living room for lazy touches, clumsy kisses, and words that were left unsaid.

"So, let's talk about the inevitable."

"Oblivion?"

That got a laugh out of Jensen. "Yeah, shut up, smart ass. You know what I mean."

"I know, I just wish I didn't."

"I know, baby." Jensen ran a hand through Jared's hair. Jared was laying on top of Jensen, and even though the weight was crushing him, it was also comforting him.

"I love you." Jared breathed out.

"I love you, too."

"Are you gonna forget about me when I leave again?"

"No. Are you gonna forget about me when you leave again?"

"No."

"What's gonna happen to us?"

"I mean, I don't know. I'm gonna go back, film my show, take care of my kid. Tell my boyfriend about you. And you're gonna stay here, go back to work, tell Danneel nothing happened, and stay friends with our friends. And we..."

"We forget about this?"

"No, I don't want that. Do you want that?"

"Of course not. I just- you know that I'd come to Vancouver if I could. But I have my job, and our friends. They're family now, and I can't just pack up and leave, you know? And plus, Danneel-"

"Yeah, Jensen, I know."

"Hey, don't act like I'm the only one who's got someone else, alright?"

"Sorry, I just- I can't picture you with her."

"Yeah, it's not any easier with you and Steve."

Jared sighed and closed his eyes. Since he didn't call, Steve would know something happened. And Jared's not the best liar. But Jensen was, and the fact that he didn't even deny that he would tell Danneel nothing happened really messed with Jared's head, and he started to think coming back in the first place was a recipe for disaster. He was smarter than this, he knew what would happen. And, it did.

 

 

***

 

"I gotta get out of here," Jared paced around Jensen's loft... which was once his own. Misha had brought all of his things to Jensen's place, and told him he could stay there because Rachel would be home from Seattle. 

"Jared, calm down. Just tell me what's wrong!"

"What's wrong?! Jensen, I shouldn't be here. You're  _in love_ with  _her_! And you're probably gonna marry that girl someday, and I'm never gonna get to touch you again. Never gonna get to kiss you, never gonna be able to be alive with you."

"I'm gonna break up with her, actually. She wants to move to California, and have some big family, and some big house and a two dogs and a happy life. And besides California, I want that, too. Except I want it with you, Jared." He was sitting with Jared now, his hands a little tucked into Jared's. 

"What about your life here? What about my life in Vancouver?"

"We can make it work. We were gonna do long-distance in the first place, huh?"

"Okay. Okay, you're right. I love you, you're right."

* * *

**DECEMBER 31ST 11:58 PM (New York)**

**  
**"Miss you,"

"Miss you, too."

"I wish you were here."

"I know, but we'll get to see each other, soon."

"Does Steve still call?"

"Not so much lately. What about Danneel?"

"No, like I said, we knew we were better off friends, and we're good friends now."

"That's good, I'm glad."

"Me, too."

"So, three more hours until your New Year, huh?"

"Yeah, just about."

 

 _"5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!"_ Jared heard a bunch of happy, drunk people screaming over the phone.

 

"Happy New Year, Jen."

"Thanks, I'll call you for yours?"

"Yeah, yeah. I just- I wish I could see you."

"I know, we'll see each other soon."

"I know, you're right. I love you, you're right." Jared breathed. He had said the same thing to Jensen a two months ago.

"I love you, too."

"Bye."

"Bye."


	4. Chapter 4

**SEPTEMBER 11TH 7:46 AM**

**  
**"It's so good to have you two home," Jensen smiled as he watched Tommy leave for school, and gave a peck on the lips to Jared.

"It's so good to be home." Jared smiled now, too. "Have a good day at work."

"Thanks,"

 

 

***

8:59 AM -

 _"Jared? Please, answer the phone. Um, they're telling us we can't leave yet. There's uh,"_ Jensen cleared his throat.  _"There's a lot of smoke. I'm okay though, don't worry. I'll see you, soon. Just- just answer the phone."_ And Jared would've. Except he was at the grocery store watching this all go down on the news. 

9:00 AM -

 _"I love you so much. I love you. I love you both so much, okay?"_ his voice was shaky now. He needed someone to pick up the phone. All he was getting was the answering machine. Just one last time, he needed to hear them just one last time.  _"I know what you'd be telling me right now. That I'm gonna see you soon. That you're gonna kiss it all away. And you're right, Padalecki. I love you, you're right."_

 _  
_9:01 AM -

_"They're not sure what happened in the other building, but they're hoping it's all done and over. Uh, there's- it fell, the- Jesus. They're still saying we're not allowed to leave. Not until they know for sure. I love you, Jared. And Tommy, I love you so much. I'll see you soon. I'll see you both at home really soon, okay?"_

_  
_9:02 AM -

_"Other people want to use the phone, so I- I gotta go. I love you. And you're reassuring yourself that I'll be home after all this, and you're right. I love you, you're right."_

 

 

  
_  
_***

Jensen was presumed dead later that day. Jared screamed for hours until he couldn't anymore and Rachel had to take care of Tommy. He hadn't listened to the messages yet. He only denied everything, and cried into Misha's stomach for hours upon hours, pounding his fists like a child. Jensen was dead and Jared wanted to be. 

* * *

**SEPTEMBER 17TH 7:58 PM**

**  
**"You should eat something," Misha suggested. He was broken up, too. But Jared was... he wasn't himself at all. Tommy hadn't been home since.. that and Jared screamed in his sleep every night, so he stopped trying to sleep, eventually. And whenever he tried to eat, he threw it up, so he gave that up, too. His eyes were darker now, and so were the rings under his eyes.

"Can't." Was all he said.

"Jared, he's dead okay? Killing yourself slowly won't fucking change that." Misha yelled. He had put up with so much of this for the past few days, and he just couldn't sit there and watch his friend fall apart into nothing. Not anymore.

"Misha, you should- you should go home to Rachel. See how Tommy's doing and call me from there, yeah?" this was the most he'd said in the past week.

"Um, are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, please?"

"Okay, Jared. I'll call you when I get home?"

"Yeah." and then Misha had left and Jared walked about the loft and ran his hands over the things Jensen once had touched. And he smiled a bit when he finally walked into their bedroom and took in the smell of his late boyfriend. He inched his fingers over the shirt Jensen was wearing the night before he left to work. It was left on their bed. He hated when Jensen left his stuff all over, but this time he was thankful for it. He started to cry heavily again now, his long legs collapsing and letting himself fall to the ground. And that's when he heard the faint beep from the bedside table. And when he looked up, the red light was blinking. He got up and wiped his tears as he sat on Jensen's side of the bed. It was cold. He pressed the button on the machine to let it play.

 _"Message number one. September eleventh, 8:59 AM."_ The machine said.

"Jared? Please, answer the phone. Um, they're telling us we can't leave yet. There's uh- there's a lot of smoke. I'm okay though, don't worry. I'll see you, soon. Just- just answer the phone."

Jared's eyes widened. His heart beated quickly and his breath raced. It was Jensen.

_"Message number two. September eleventh, 9 AM."_

"I love you so much. I love you. I love you both so much, okay? I know what you'd be telling me right now. That I'm gonna see you soon. That you're gonna kiss it all away. And you're right, Padalecki. I love you, you're right."

_"Message number three. September eleventh, 9:01 AM."_

"They're not sure what happened in the other building, but they're hoping it's all done and over. Uh, there's- it fell, the- Jesus. They're still saying we're not allowed to leave. Not until they know for sure. I love you, Jared. And Tommy, I love you so much. I'll see you soon. I'll see you both at home really soon, okay?"

_"Message number four. September eleventh, 9:02 AM."_

"Other people want to use the phone, so I- I gotta go. I love you. And you're reassuring yourself that I'll be home after all this, and you're right. I love you, you're right."

_"End of messages."_

"No! No! No, nononono! Jensen!" Jared screamed again. He held his knees to his chest.  _Why wasn't I home?! I could've talked to him one last time._ Jared punished himself for everything now. It was all because they'd run out of Jensen's favorite snack- poptarts.

He walked over to the cabinet in the restroom now and pulled it open. And then he pulled out the gun from behind the box of things no one used.

He pushed himself against the wall, and let himself slide down. "I'm sorry, Jensen. I'm so sorry." he said as he shoved it against his skull.

"I love you, you're right.

I love you, you're right.

I love you so much, you're right.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***End***


End file.
